24/7 to me

In the next few essays I’ll go a little more into what certain aspects of BDSM means to me. I’ve been in this long enough to have a pretty clear idea about what kind of relationships I want. But also long enough to know that relationships, and the definitions one uses about them are fluid, and that kink is something going on as much between two people (or more, I guess, if that’s one’s inclination) as within each person. What I like has a lot to do with who I am with and what she inspires in me. I’ve been confused and ambivalent about some of the things I’ve been attracted to, like 24/7, because it brought me in a category with some, whose approach to BDSM involved compromise that would not be right for me. In this essay I’m trying to get to the bottom of what 24/7 is in an attempt to find out what it is about 24/7 that I’m attracted to, and how 24/7 I really am.

I’m a dominant whether inside or outside the bedroom. I’ve always been attracted to relationships, where my dominance does not stop at the scene, at the bedroom door or at the transition to everyday life. I’ve never been in relationships, where we’ve been completely explicit about when we were playing, when my dominance was ‘activated’ and when it was not. Neither have I been in a relationship, where we haven’t spoken together as equals, and where I’ve been in a position where she hasn’t been able to tell me when I was doing something wrong, or something needed to be changed.

For me dominance and submission has always been something fluid, something organic. Not something that I could put into a box and say, at this time I’m dominant with my partner and at this time I’m not. I’ve always enjoyed the excitement of having an undercurrent of dominance and submission throughout my relationships.

I’m not sure if this makes me a ‘lifestyle’ dominant or not. In many ways my dominance is a lifestyle, but on the other hand it’s always been my ambition that neither my life nor my partner’s life should be build around our sexuality, but rather that our sexuality should be integrated into our lives in a healthy way.

If I classify myself as 24/7 I’m sure there’s some who’d say that I’m not really 24/7. I’m also sure that there are some, who do not consider themselves ‘lifestyle’, who have the same enjoyment of an undercurrent of D/s in otherwise vanilla circumstances that I do. I also believe that many who do not identify as 24/7 enjoy slipping in and out of ‘roles’ and play in the same fluid way as I enjoy. Negotiation is dealt with ahead of spontaneously initiated play, subtle signals are developed over time and sent to decode whether this is a time for play – just as I’d read and ‘test’ my sub before going too far into role with her to be able to back down gracefully if this is not the time.

As said it’s my opinion that definitions are fluid in real life, and it’s important to allow that they are unique to people’s inherently unique relationships. There’s no ‘real 24/7’, no ‘real SM’, no ‘real slavery’. Of course definitions lose their meaning if they contain everything, but the idea of ‘realness’ is unhealthy, as it suggests that BDSM should be about something other than making people free to live their kinks in whatever way is right for them. Of course it’s practical to know, that we are talking about the same things, when we interact with others, but then rather than modifying or constricting our relationships to fit the definitions, it’s better to modify and qualify our definitions so that they correlate with real world relationships. The only thing worth defining ‘out’ of BDSM, the only ‘wrong’ kind of SM, is the non-consensual and abusive kind.

The thing that we do is essentially about discovering not what definition we fit into, but rather to learn from the knowledge and definitions and styles out there in order to define our own individual kink. What makes it worthwhile to talk about whether I’m into 24/7 or even slavery under the right conditions, is that it’s got a unique meaning and attraction beyond normal play for me and others who identify as wanting 24/7. I hope talking about what it means to me makes it easier for others, as well as myself, to understand what 24/7 might mean and whether it’s part of their kink.  Others might have another understanding of that, on which they build their relationships, and that does not make their relationships right or wrong.

For me 24/7 is a question simply of whether you want the power-relationship to go on beyond the bedroom. 24/7 is an ideal beyond just being able to slip in and out of play-mode more fluently than within a set ‘scene-space’ or ‘scene-time’. In 24/7 that the game of power stays simmering beneath the surface even when you’re not ‘playing’, because it is always something that can be brought into play. Some people who are not -24/7-couples may enjoy spontaneous scenes: they may enjoy the not-to-serious quarrel ending up in a neither-too-serious spanking – as long as it happens within agreed-upon boundaries and etiquette. For me the difference is that in the non24/7-relationship, where spontaneous play is enjoyed, the spontaneity is a way to enhance the scene: It’s nice and liberating, that SM can take place ‘informally’ like that. For the 24/7-couple the ability to take control is a way to enhance the relationship: not just when she is punished, or he takes controls, but also in everything else that goes on, because there is always that possibility of one taking control.